Perfect Mornings

She sits in the same seat, every morning I start my day with looking at her. Her bag goes either on the floor, or the chair next to her. She positions herself, always glancing at the teacher, eyes screwed still onto him, taking everything in, deep into the lecture.

Me? I’m trying to sneak a glance at her every now and then. Blonde curly hair, with pink ends, luscious lips like I’ve never seen before, and a smile that never seems to fade away. I’m not sure why she’s always smiling, but I sure do like it. What I like most about her though is her eyes. They remind me of something I’ve never seen before, yet they still remind me of that thing I speak of, strange indeed.

I don’t know what sparked my interest. I’ve known her, for a while actually, but I never realized her childlike personality, and how in the same time, you can feel a sense of grit and toughness. To me, a woman with that particular combination is one ought to be fought for, like Hemingway on a hunting trip, killing every danger on his way.

It always amazes me, that sudden surge of thoughts and feelings towards someone you are familiar with, but never really appreciated their beauty and mind. She seems to be lost, not always sure, and very careful, which is all more attractive. Insecurities make a person, not perfections. I don’t care for one’s perfections, those are easy to tell and handle, but imperfections are what constitute a person, and what really makes them who they are.

She’s distant. I don’t think anything will happen, and I don’t think I will pursue anything with her. You know, don’t you think that sometimes it’s better that things be left the way they are? I’m scared I won’t have the same appreciation I have for her. A glimmer of hope and sparkle to my mornings, let’s leave it that way, shall we?

Whispers

Sounds creeping and crawling through my ears,
as my soul trickles down like tears.

Is it a hum? Is it a whisper?
or is it just my fragile mind,
popping like a big fucking blister?

I hear it, I listen to it, I know it’s there,
but at the same time,
it can be anywhere.

Maybe it’s a mosquito,
buzzing in my head.
It stings my brain and leaves me dead.

All I know is,
the sounds and whispers are alive and alright,
but I’ll sure be glad
if they fade into the night.

A Touch of Happiness, #4

I’ve been feeling blue lately. I don’t feel as energetic as I usually am, heck even getting out of bed is becoming a drag. Living a routine life is truly soul crushing, but I always realize that it’s necessary, and well… I just have to go through the motions of the mundane everydayness.

I’m very familiar to these terrible mood swings, and they affect me in ways that hinder me in dreadful forms. It gets as far as working the effort and energy to crack a smile that I truly mean, or to even converse with people. The worse part is that I’m not putting enough time in my studies… I always faze out, and my mind gets blurry whenever I attempt to read, or even write. It’s horrible alright, and I hope that things get better real soon.

The only thing that I look forward to however, even with all my sadness and state of being right now, is seeing her everyday, well… not everyday, but whenever my eyes fall on her. It’s crazy I know, and I’m usually not like that. But when the love bug crawls in, oh boy. All hell breaks loose for me, but in a good way.

Seeing her makes me happy, even a little hello, and a small nod or wave, make my shitty present days better. That’s how bad of a state I’m in right now, but I’ll take whatever I can get. It helps and I don’t mind having this naive sort of high school reminiscent crush. It’s the little things that get me by, and that’s the only little thing that does get me by, or the only little thing I have going on.

I’ll take that small dosage of happiness, even if nothing eventually happens, and most probably nothing will.

The Sun Always Shines

I have a few things I wanted to get off my chest. I’ve been feeling a bit down rcently, and I always find that strange.

I know that’s a weird thing by itself, to find feeling down as peculiar. I don’t, It’s just that sometimes I don’t realize how blessed I really am in my life.

Wondering how to do this and that, searching for an answers on different things, I don’t want to do that anymore. That never gets me anywhere. It chains me and keeps me down. This overthinking is a nightmare, a true real life waking nightmare. It’s horrible. I hate it, and I don’t want it anymore.

I’m not the most altruistic person in the world, but I try my best to do my share of goodness in the world. I’m getting an education, and I have food and a bed to sleep on every night. That’s all one needs. I won’t let the small mundane things of everyday life get in the way anymore.

What possessed to take such a move is the fact that I’ve been living in this vicious cycle of doubt. This doubt is crumbling, tearing me to pieces. What is there to life if you only doubt? What next, am I to doubt my own doubts? It became ridiculous. I wasn’t feeling like myself, or what I wish myself to be.

All is good in my life at this moment. I have no reason to feel down, I have no reason to doubt, I have no reason to rot away my life because of merely nothing, or even everything.

All I know is that from now on, I’ll try to be a different person. I’ll try to embrace the grandness and simple joys of this short existence that we call life.

I’m going to bed now, knowing that I’ll wake up to see the sun tomorrow. Life is great, and there’s nothing wrong with the world.

Friendship, #2

A lot of times we as human beings have this tendency for being stubborn, and wanting things to go our way. It’s the selfish nature that takes control of you, holds you and corrupts the purest of things you can possibly think of.

I’ve fallen to the viciousness of such feelings and behaviors, but it’s been a while, and I finally realized, that whatever had happened in the past, isn’t worth ruining a friendship for.

It wasn’t a mere friendship, not a simple acquaintance I run into every now and then, but a best friend, a brother, and someone I can count on. He was everything to me. You know, having someone you could telling anything that’s going on your mind is truly a blessing in disguise. We don’t realize how important this is. Having a keeper of secrets, an ear to hear you out, no matter how stupid what you needed to say was, is something that is a privilege in life.

It’s been two years almost, and yesterday, I finally talk to my friend.

I hope things can go back to normal, like they used to be. If there’s something I regret, is the time wasted in regret and denial, the time wasted in being hesitant, and realizing afterwards, that both of us where at an edge.

If you have a friend, a family member, a lover you haven’t talked to in a while, or you have a dispute with, for any reason, just put it behind you. No squabble and no difference is worth it. Keep the people that mean the world to you close, and just open your eyes, to how important having these people is in your life.

The U.S Elections

There’s something that’s mind boggling me when it comes to the whole debacle that just went down in the States today. I don’t know whether to laugh at it, or just feel bad, for the individuals who absolutely have no understanding of politics whatsoever.

Donald Trump won. End of story. I just can’t believe that some people don’t have any respect for the electoral system that is in place. I’ve been reading all sorts of articles and news bits about so called ‘riots’ from people who are ‘not happy’ with the results. I mean, people have spoken, and they have voted. Move the fuck on. Instead of dwelling on the results, and simply naming out the majority of the U.S people who voted for Trump for crying out loud. You are the minority here, in terms of electoral numbers and voters.

Another thing I noticed was the insane use of words like sexist, bigot, homophobe, xenophobe, and so on. I mean, saying Trump is ‘literally Hitler‘, isn’t actually a political argument you can back your candidate of choice with. I think that was one of the main reasons why the voting fell short on Hillary’s side. Not just that, I think the killing blow was when Hillary called all Trump voters ‘deplorables’, along with the Wikileaks that also were key in her losing.

You might not agree with Trump in terms of policy: THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT.

Don’t go on with the rhetoric of saying overused cliche insults that lead to no political discourse whatsoever. That’s where Trump had the edge. He knew how to deal with all of this, and he deserves a lot of respect for that, also his supporters.

This is as simple as it gets: some people’s candidate of choice lost, and some people’s candidate of choice won.

All American people should put their hands together now, and move on and try to make their country better with Trump in the helm, that was even said today by Hillary herself in her concession speech. MOVE ON.

I honestly don’t care for any of this, my country is fucked up and that’s already enough to keep my mind busy, but for fuck’s sake, get your shit together and move forward. If having the Republican candidate as president is the worst blow you’ve ever gone through, to the extent where you need ‘crying spaces‘ or a fucking ‘cry in’ to mourn, like what happened in Cornell, then trust me, the world is going to be an unforgiving place for you.
Devastated Cornellians ‘Mourn’ Election of Donald Trump at Cry In

Both candidates are controversial, and both have their ups and downs, but like I said before, this is POLITICS. It’s about political parties, and simply the Republicans clinched this one. That doesn’t mean there should be a division, but instead a unity should take place, no matter what you think of either candidate.

Final note, in my opinion at least, if we didn’t have social media, this would have gone EXACTLY like what I’m talking about, as an actual political presidential race. The main stream media was so drenched in their own shit, spewing crap against both candidates, and providing false rhetoric and perspective, especially against Trump. Also, I’m frazzled by people who actually care what famous people have to think about this. Who cares if Jay-Z or fucking Miley Cyrus backs any of them, how does this sway any voter? I have no idea… It’s just absolutely shocking to see people being influenced by pop icons who don’t know anything. Just remember that, and have a logical and unbiased mind while processing information.

All I have to say is that good luck with what’s coming on next in the U.S chapter of history. I hope the 45th president does you good. Bad luck for Hillary and her supporters, and congratulations for Donald Trump and his supporters.

Deadlines and Paperwork, #1

This is it.

I never realized how fast time goes by, and I’m struck with this realization in the wee hours of night, with a midterm in my final year of undergraduate studies just a few hours away. I swear it feels like I’ve just already finished high school, but here I am, already thinking of my future, and my plans after graduating.

As much as I love Beirut, but I think it’s time for me to leave, once and for all. I finally decided I’m going to continue with my Master’s Degree abroad, and afterwards see where life takes me.

I can’t focus anymore on anything. All I have is deadlines for research papers, deadlines for exams, deadlines for applications, deadlines for paperwork, deadlines for the visa. I’d rather fall dead with all this pressure I’m feeling right now.

I’m worried, and nervous. Again, this is going way too fast. And I can’t stop thinking of the looming impending doom and the thought or idea of all my hard work not turning into fruition.

I am excited don’t get me wrong, but I’m afraid. All the time spent, money spent, years spent, it all goes down to these couple of months ahead of me.

What awaits me I don’t know yet, but I sure do hope it’s going to be fucking great. I tend to strive under pressure and fear, and these feelings as dreadful as they might sound, they might be exactly what I need right now.

All one can do is hope for the best now.

Just breathe, it’s all going your way. You got this.

I just wish I was in a speeding car right now, on an empty highway, letting go of all these thoughts, and just the idea of wasting pressure time is all I crave. It can wait.

Patience.

Staring

Staring at the ceiling above me,
Pale and white, the paint shedding off
I pause, and stare
Drowning my sorrows every night,
Sitting on this old wooden bed,
Eyes fixated upon the same illuminated screen
The realization of failure,
The realization of nothingness,
The realization of woes and sadness
I look up again at the ceiling,
Trying to find some purpose,
Maybe just maybe, the white old paint has the answers
The paint, the screen, the whirling thoughts
Thoughts of love and desire
Thoughts of pain and heartache to come
There’s no escape…
I wish I had nothing. Nothing would be better,
Better than living among lies
Nothing would suite me just fine now,
As I am nothing,
And nothing I shall be.