Last Call, #6

A new chapter is unfolding soon.

Damn.

Time flies by. In almost a month or so, I’ll be graduating from university. I swear I feel like the past three years were instant, an aberration, an anomaly in time and space.

All the greater plans are starting to unfold. So many hopes and dreams after this. I sure am waiting for the best.

It’s interesting having to think of it right now, how fruitful this whole experience was to me, and at the same time, I have this guttural feeling of how much it was a complete waste of time. I’m not sure whether to choose between any of the latter, maybe a bit of both. At this stage in my life, I sincerely believe that I didn’t accumulate enough knowledge. I used to always believe that getting an education was all about you know, getting ready for a job in the field you prefer in the future.

I’m realizing it’s a lot more than that. I grew as a person, and I had my ideas challenged, and ever changing, which is quite amazing considering the current state of academia, where any original or different ideas are being shut down. This is by far the biggest blessing in my opinion. Being told you can’t think that way, or you can’t adhere to a certain set of ideas, is the literal meaning of fascism, and with all the stories I’m hearing from friends, I am blessed indeed.
This upcoming month is destined to pass by quickly, and honestly, I can’t wait for it to be over, so I can start all over again.

Sadness, #5

Isn’t sadness wonderful?

There’s a heavy burden laying on my chest, and I need to get it out of my system.

You know what is unfathomably stupid? Playing the waiting game. Your mind starts playing tricks on you. Nothing is going to happen, nothing will ever happen, and you need to move on.

I wish sometimes it was that easy. It never is that easy.

It’s been almost three years now, and yet, I can’t seem to forget, I can’t seem to forget her.

This is, at least now, I’m realizing that it was never meant to be, and nothing will ever mean to be. All these years, and all the time, spent waiting and hoping, gone to waste. Maybe it was, and maybe it wasn’t. I am yet to know.

It is a great sadness, when you love so hard and vigorously, KNOWING and willingly indulging into dead emotions. This was not a ‘cliche’ form of unrequited love/crush. I wish it was, because if that was the case, I’d move on in a heartbeat.

It stings you greatest, when you know you found what you consider perfection, but that perfection and all what you hoped for was eventually falseness, and a compilation of crumbling hopes and desires.

She’s gone now, I guess, forever.

I’m not sad about all the time wasted, I’m crestfallen and full of sorrow because I know it could’ve been something magical, out of this world…

Or was that just in my mind?

It’s always just in my mind.

A Touch of Happiness, #4

Not a great time to be alive, but hey, it’s all about the little things.

I’ve been feeling blue lately. I don’t feel as energetic as I usually am, heck even getting out of bed is becoming a drag. Living a routine life is truly soul crushing, but I always realize that it’s necessary, and well… I just have to go through the motions of the mundane everydayness.

I’m very familiar to these terrible mood swings, and they affect me in ways that hinder me in dreadful forms. It gets as far as working the effort and energy to crack a smile that I truly mean, or to even converse with people. The worse part is that I’m not putting enough time in my studies… I always faze out, and my mind gets blurry whenever I attempt to read, or even write. It’s horrible alright, and I hope that things get better real soon.

The only thing that I look forward to however, even with all my sadness and state of being right now, is seeing her everyday, well… not everyday, but whenever my eyes fall on her. It’s crazy I know, and I’m usually not like that. But when the love bug crawls in, oh boy. All hell breaks loose for me, but in a good way.

Seeing her makes me happy, even a little hello, and a small nod or wave, make my shitty present days better. That’s how bad of a state I’m in right now, but I’ll take whatever I can get. It helps and I don’t mind having this naive sort of high school reminiscent crush. It’s the little things that get me by, and that’s the only little thing that does get me by, or the only little thing I have going on.

I’ll take that small dosage of happiness, even if nothing eventually happens, and most probably nothing will.

Nostalgia Spree, #3

The power of nostalgia.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling nostalgic about many things. I know it sounds something common, and it is true, that everyone gets nostalgic every now and then. However I’ve reached the point where the past is mostly everything I think about, and I honestly find this quite dangerous.

I’m still twenty years old (almost twenty-one in a couple of days), and I know individuals who are much older, yet they’re much more excited for what the future has to hold, and this is problematic. Everything is going great in my life, I don’t have anything to complain about, but I have this itchy yearning for what has already happened and to what I’ve already lived through, and experiences I’ve already had.

Perhaps this is all normal, and it’s a phase of some sorts, because I’m in a transitioning phase right now, and I’m about to embark in the newest chapter of my life. Maybe I’m dwelling on what could’ve been, and the life I had as a child? Who knows, knows.

I’ve been playing older video games I used to play as a child. Games like Runescape. I used to put an alarm on my old watch on every weekend at 6 A.M, to wake up and have an insanely long session that consisted of mostly cutting trees, and trying to get a Runescape girlfriend (usually bought for 10k gold or a few expensive items. I have to say though, my Runescape girlfriends were all better than the one’s I had in real life, oh the irony). I also remembered all the books I used to read. I used to be crazy about R.L Stine, which was quite normal considering what I was into. I used to read those horror stories with every shred of excitement a small human can garner and manage to summon. I miss going to our countryside house, playing on the swings and outside the house, getting myself dirty and dragged down, having those long sunset walks with my child-self, and thinking how the hell was I that deep of a person when I wasn’t really as aware back then. I’d kill for one of those 2-3 hour bike rides just about right now. It’s the small trivial things that I miss mostly. I miss having all the free time in the world, to indulge in what I truly loved doing and all the works that go along with it.

I keep reminiscing on the time where things were just so very damn simple. Maybe it’s the lifestyle that I’m leading that is keeping everything off-balance? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that I want ease of mind, and I want that real soon.

I have to be honest now, this spree of nostalgia is great. I never realized I could remember that many events and things I used to do as a kid. I never thought I’d have the capacity to keep hold of all these memories, or I never thought the human brain was truly this powerful. I was shuffling through past events like I shuffle through recent pictures on my phone.

Nostalgia is great folks, it truly is. Be sure though to always look to what’s forward, or to what’s coming ahead in your horizon.

Friendship, #2

Friendship is the most important thing in life.

A lot of times we as human beings have this tendency for being stubborn, and wanting things to go our way. It’s the selfish nature that takes control of you, holds you and corrupts the purest of things you can possibly think of.

I’ve fallen to the viciousness of such feelings and behaviors, but it’s been a while, and I finally realized, that whatever had happened in the past, isn’t worth ruining a friendship for.

It wasn’t a mere friendship, not a simple acquaintance I run into every now and then, but a best friend, a brother, and someone I can count on. He was everything to me. You know, having someone you could telling anything that’s going on your mind is truly a blessing in disguise. We don’t realize how important this is. Having a keeper of secrets, an ear to hear you out, no matter how stupid what you needed to say was, is something that is a privilege in life.

It’s been two years almost, and yesterday, I finally talk to my friend.

I hope things can go back to normal, like they used to be. If there’s something I regret, is the time wasted in regret and denial, the time wasted in being hesitant, and realizing afterwards, that both of us where at an edge.

If you have a friend, a family member, a lover you haven’t talked to in a while, or you have a dispute with, for any reason, just put it behind you. No squabble and no difference is worth it. Keep the people that mean the world to you close, and just open your eyes, to how important having these people is in your life.

Deadlines and Paperwork, #1

Press on and don’t give up. All will work out, fingers crossed.

This is it.

I never realized how fast time goes by, and I’m struck with this realization in the wee hours of night, with a midterm in my final year of undergraduate studies just a few hours away. I swear it feels like I’ve just already finished high school, but here I am, already thinking of my future, and my plans after graduating.

As much as I love Beirut, but I think it’s time for me to leave, once and for all. I finally decided I’m going to continue with my Master’s Degree abroad, and afterwards see where life takes me.

I can’t focus anymore on anything. All I have is deadlines for research papers, deadlines for exams, deadlines for applications, deadlines for paperwork, deadlines for the visa. I’d rather fall dead with all this pressure I’m feeling right now.

I’m worried, and nervous. Again, this is going way too fast. And I can’t stop thinking of the looming impending doom and the thought or idea of all my hard work not turning into fruition.

I am excited don’t get me wrong, but I’m afraid. All the time spent, money spent, years spent, it all goes down to these couple of months ahead of me.

What awaits me I don’t know yet, but I sure do hope it’s going to be fucking great. I tend to strive under pressure and fear, and these feelings as dreadful as they might sound, they might be exactly what I need right now.

All one can do is hope for the best now.

Just breathe, it’s all going your way. You got this.

I just wish I was in a speeding car right now, on an empty highway, letting go of all these thoughts, and just the idea of wasting pressure time is all I crave. It can wait.

Patience.