Transition, #7

Transition and growth is always good.

I’ve been shuffling through life for the past three months now, and transition is alive and well. Many different aspects of my life have been changing, and are still changing. It’s crazy to recall back to almost two or three years ago, contemplating a miserable existence, while at the same time, I was convincing myself life was mine to grab. Things weren’t going my way, however life has been pleasant to me thus far, and I’ve been taking it by storm.

Many aspects of my personality are changing, which is something I didn’t quite honestly expect. Throughout my college years, I was someone who was weak, gullible and had no control over the nature of my choices, where I had to ask everyone around me for advice. There’s nothing wrong with asking others for advice, however it showed me clearly that there was something faulty in my own behavior, and in my own personality. Growth in a person usually takes time, and I feel like the past few years have all been building up to this moment, where I break the chains of the average, and transcend, ,and finally make something out of myself.

I have a job now, which was something I never had before. I didn’t anticipate or it never came up to me, that the responsibilities at hand, might actually be enjoyable. I understand the nature of growing up now, and taking matters to your own hands now. I don’t care that all this came late in my life, I’m just thankful to be alive, to have responsibilities, and most importantly, I’m thankful that there is a future for me to look forward to.

Spring

I hate this time of year.

The spring is ending,
bending all in it’s way.
Summer on the horizon
with disappointment and regret,
with failure stacked up,
like an organized stack of hay
embedded within my being.

The sorrow, the sorrow,
nothing can be said about it.
It hits while you’re on your way,
towards nothing.

That’s the effect of springtime on me.
I’m going towards the unknown,
or better yet,
the unknown is chasing me.

Fuck you spring,
I sincerely mean that.

Circles

Round and round she goes.

I could hear the noise
coming from a near distance.

Frantic breathing,
sweat trickling down her forehead,
whirling and running
into a synchronous of perfection.

Hopes and fears,
and realizations of a life lost,
with nothing dear,
a hefty price and cost.

The screaming and the circles,
all what’s left now.

The only perfection she managed,
a soul abused and damaged,
was the spirals she forged as she wept,
the cries she shouted with neglect.

Last Call, #6

A new chapter is unfolding soon.

Damn.

Time flies by. In almost a month or so, I’ll be graduating from university. I swear I feel like the past three years were instant, an aberration, an anomaly in time and space.

All the greater plans are starting to unfold. So many hopes and dreams after this. I sure am waiting for the best.

It’s interesting having to think of it right now, how fruitful this whole experience was to me, and at the same time, I have this guttural feeling of how much it was a complete waste of time. I’m not sure whether to choose between any of the latter, maybe a bit of both. At this stage in my life, I sincerely believe that I didn’t accumulate enough knowledge. I used to always believe that getting an education was all about you know, getting ready for a job in the field you prefer in the future.

I’m realizing it’s a lot more than that. I grew as a person, and I had my ideas challenged, and ever changing, which is quite amazing considering the current state of academia, where any original or different ideas are being shut down. This is by far the biggest blessing in my opinion. Being told you can’t think that way, or you can’t adhere to a certain set of ideas, is the literal meaning of fascism, and with all the stories I’m hearing from friends, I am blessed indeed.
This upcoming month is destined to pass by quickly, and honestly, I can’t wait for it to be over, so I can start all over again.

Struggle

Struggling is always fun!

Struggling and suffering,
trying to stay afloat.

Lying on my bed,
wishing I was on a boat,
stranded in the middle of the ocean
with the waves carrying my soulless soul,
deep down to the ground, into my final resting hole.

Seething with the mundane everyday,
adding to the wallowing misery at bay.

Facing the mirror,
obsolete, and full of demise and joy,
I prance around like a lunatic
waving to death,
who’s reluctant and coy.

‘Should I save him, or should I not’
‘Should I save him, or should I not’

Sadness, #5

Isn’t sadness wonderful?

There’s a heavy burden laying on my chest, and I need to get it out of my system.

You know what is unfathomably stupid? Playing the waiting game. Your mind starts playing tricks on you. Nothing is going to happen, nothing will ever happen, and you need to move on.

I wish sometimes it was that easy. It never is that easy.

It’s been almost three years now, and yet, I can’t seem to forget, I can’t seem to forget her.

This is, at least now, I’m realizing that it was never meant to be, and nothing will ever mean to be. All these years, and all the time, spent waiting and hoping, gone to waste. Maybe it was, and maybe it wasn’t. I am yet to know.

It is a great sadness, when you love so hard and vigorously, KNOWING and willingly indulging into dead emotions. This was not a ‘cliche’ form of unrequited love/crush. I wish it was, because if that was the case, I’d move on in a heartbeat.

It stings you greatest, when you know you found what you consider perfection, but that perfection and all what you hoped for was eventually falseness, and a compilation of crumbling hopes and desires.

She’s gone now, I guess, forever.

I’m not sad about all the time wasted, I’m crestfallen and full of sorrow because I know it could’ve been something magical, out of this world…

Or was that just in my mind?

It’s always just in my mind.