Having a strong imagination sucks sometimes.


It’s always a whisper how she passes through slowly.

She looks at me, every single time, clawing and crawling towards the surface of comfort, surely, but again slowly.

I see her, gazing and staring at what could be, at what will never be. It’s disappointing sometimes, but life usually is.

I know sometimes that I should’ve tried harder, or maybe pushed further, but talking is easy and doing isn’t breezy.

She approaches me, gets close, and all of a sudden I realize how my imagination is just the frustration, of a man so willing to imagine.

She never really knew I was there, and I don’t find that not one bit rare. You know, all I ever wanted from a stare, was something I thought could be there.

Yet again, I was wrong.

My imagination never ceases to play tricks on me, and that’s alright. At least I can still imagine, which is fair, but life sometimes is truly fucking unfair.

Can Pleasure Lead to Happiness?

Interesting question indeed.

Happiness: the ultimate goal that all humans strive towards in their short-lived life on this planet we call earth, well not all humans of course, we don’t want to leave the nihilists out of the picture here on a funny note. While discussing the notion of happiness, you are bound to stir controversy, as different people have different perception on what makes us happy. This can be quite problematic while diving deeper into the situation we have at hand, which is: can pleasure lead to happiness?

If one is to argue that pleasure indeed, does not lead to happiness, I’m certain the scope is broader than arguing for the latter. However, I’ll be targeting both sides of the pendulum and hoping to find out a reasonable situation on which I can build my argument around.

First off, if you are to talk about pleasures, we need to understand the different forms of pleasure that can be achieved in this world. Some people might go for artistic pleasure, or some people might strive for bodily pleasures, and so forth, it’s a recurrent cycle just like the flipping of a coin when it comes to counting the different forms of pleasures that humans can try to attain in their lifetimes, or try to sustain in a broader sense of things. This talk about the abundant amount of pleasures available to us, prompts up the talk about Utilitarianism. Personally, I love to keep the definition of Utilitarianism sweet and short, it’s simply the greatest amount of utility (pleasures, benefits, …) for the greatest number of people realistically achievable to. Plain and simple. However, what is important of this mentioning of Utilitarianism, is its founder Jeremy Bentham. He’s highly important because he invented what I’m basing this argument on, which is the Hedonic Calculus. The Hedonic Calculus aims to statistically or mathematically measure the certain act you are trying to do on a pleasure and pain scale, and the comparison of the scores should afterwards prompt you towards venturing forward with the action intended or backing out of it. Now I know that this ‘scale’ was highly rejected in the philosophical realm, but I beg to differ. It offers a very pragmatic way to solving this swing-state that always seems to happen to people before indulging in a certain state of pleasure. Humans are quite good at knowing what can harm them, and what certain types of pleasures are not for them, so I don’t find this method to be problematic at all. Let me give a practical everyday life example on which I can base an actual function of the Hedonic Calculus. Let’s take the example of playing the violin on first hand. Playing an instrument is very intense, and can lead to a strong pleasure. Learning to play an instrument is pleasurable on the long run as well, so it’s going to last for quite a long time. If someone willingly goes for learning the violin for a choice, then the percentage of the pleasure to occur from the music played is likely. Like everything else, learning takes some time, but with patience, soon the learner will be able to get the attainable pleasure soon. There’s nothing as sensible and emotional as playing music, so concurrently, playing the violin will spark a lot of emotions in you. Also, playing the violin is the purest of acts, no bad pleasures I can think of that can occur because of it. By adopting the violin as your source of pleasure, you aren’t negatively affecting anyone, on the contrary, you can emit your pleasure by playing to other people. I just followed the seven different ‘steps’ on which someone can base a pleasure and what it radiates based on the Hedonic Calculus, and in terms of practicality, it certainly sounds very effective to me.

On this basis, pleasure can lead to happiness, but a problem is present. What if playing the violin stopped providing pleasure? What if at an older age, your fingers simply cannot handle the instrument anymore? What if at a younger age you simply gave? There’s always different things we must take into consideration with this literal measurement of calculating pleasure, and the rebuttal to it was very minimal and simple, and it was the few lists of questions that I provided.

In terms of happiness, let’s try to now deconstruct the notion of pleasure leading to happiness, since we already paved the way in the latter example of questionnaires.

The example of pleasure that I gave, which is playing a musical instrument, isn’t a type of pleasure that most ordinary people in the world would strive for. When talking about pleasure, the first thing to pop to one’s head is sexual, or worldly pleasures, and that’s actually very true in concern to pleasure. Most people view these generic ‘wants’ as pleasure, and they are entitled to do just that. For Plato, this is problematic, and he classifies those material needs as the ‘appetitive element’. The other elements in Plato’s Republic strive for being in line with your spirit, and achieving things that would fulfill you on a spiritual level. Plato here only proves that we need to strive or achieve a balance, on order to get to the desirable happiness that usually every human wants in life.

Deontological ethics in my opinion is the best weapon to fight against the argument at place. We simply have to take in the ethical codes of conduct and the rules at hand in terms of actions and their moralities. This applies because pleasurable actions usually have ethical boundaries to them, usually advocated to by a certain set of rules, and that’s only normal. Let’s say for example, someone achieves their pleasure that leads to their happiness by committing rape against young children. This is unethical, and the rules of society bind us with a duty to not commit such an act, even if it might lead to our happiness. I find this very appropriate while dealing with this type of pleasures, because often society rules in our favor against them, and people simply can’t indulge in such acts as rape, or they simply need mental help if they still insist on doing so, or being sent to jail.

We can also look in the scope of virtue ethics while dealing with the aspect of pleasure. Virtue ethics have to do with the person and his build up, and what makes us human. We should act in a way that shifts away from the deontological ethics of duty and act in a way that gets us closer to our characters, and to who we are, and lead us to a place where happiness is found in the bigger picture, not just in pleasures. For example, Aristotle (the father of Virtue Ethics), says that friendship can lead us to happiness, hence the pleasure of friendship. Our happiness doesn’t necessarily have to do with what is mundane, or simple pleasures that is. The enhancement and development of all these good virtues will lead us to the point of Eudaimonia, which is happiness, and this consequently leads us to a satisfying life.

For me personally, away from all the philosophical explanations of the fact that if pleasure can lead to happiness, my answer to that is that I’m simply still not sure yet. I know this doesn’t come off as deep, but I just don’t have enough experience yet in life, to determine what is it that has yet to drive me to reach my state of what I call happiness. Sure, I have desires like everyone else, but I still find it very early to even think of my desires having a long term effect on my happiness. Or maybe, I’m just a nihilist that sees no pleasure and seeks no happiness? Perhaps. I still think it’s early to tell for me.

As our technology advances, and as humanity grows, I think that happiness is something we will always try to strive for, no matter what the means of achieving it is. I find humans hard-wired or ‘programmed’ in some way to indulge in what they find can make them happy, and I don’t think humans will ever change in regards of that. Does indulging in what we find as pleasure worth it? All we can do is try if we really have to, and see where that takes us.


Loneliness is bliss, sometimes. Not really.

Dealing with loneliness is tough. It creeps on your back, and feels like whips lashing on your fragile skin. It can be a slow and painful death, that makes you fade away, little by little. The story of my loneliness is unmatched, and unimaginable.

Spending your days, with patience and hopefulness is a tiresome lifestyle. The patience, of finally being relieved and uplifted from this ghastly burden laying on your soul is fucking miserable. A truly bittersweet feeling. It’s often said that patience is key, well fuck that. I don’t know how long one can last in this drivel. As for hopefulness, it only makes you hopeless. The fact that you know yourself, and the fact that everything you long for, comes back to bite you in the ass, is dreadful. I’ve been hopeful for so long that I lost track now.

Loneliness is something I don’t even wish upon my worst enemies. You know man, I keep trying. That’s the thing, I guess. I should just stop at this point. I suppose some people were bound to stay alone forever. I am sick and tired of cliche and trite relationships or hook ups. It’s unnatural to lead such a life. I truly feel like I’m missing the sincere part of feeling wanted, and this is a fundamental human feeling. It is one of the few things missing from my life, but it affects more than it should I suppose.

We live in such a weird time, and place right now. We’ve reached the point, where the mutual feeling of love and affection, is hard to achieve. This is what I’m witnessing every single day. People just keep drifting away from each other, in every single way possible. Be it love, family, or friends man. It’s just a vicious cycle of people dismantling the natural aspect of oneness and the desire to be what we have to be. Everyone is so fucking nihilistic, sarcastic, and intent on being the worst possible version of themselves. I don’t know what is sparking all this damn mania in everyone. I don’t know… Is everyone lonely as well? At this point, It might be the case.

All I know is that, one day, I want to fill in this tiny but huge gap right in the center of my soul. I truly hope this day can come quickly. I want my loneliness to go away. Or maybe I don’t. It’s said that satisfaction is the death of desire. Maybe my loneliness is what keeps me going. The thing that kills me the most, is what’s keeping me alive. That’s a pretty fucking wonderful life if you ask me.

The Day I Knew It Will Never Be (First Poem I Wrote).


WHOA what a throwback. I was digging around through the books I own, and out fell a piece of paper written on it the first poem I ever wrote. I remember I was maybe in the tenth grade, and it was about a girl, and let’s just say, things were quite messy. This poem made me realize that writing and expressing yourself, no matter the outcome, can be truly therapeutic. 


The day I knew it will never be,
Jasmine, I thought she would set me free.
My heart beating faster, waiting for a reply…
It was devastating, I vowed never again to try.

Overwhelmed with emotions I almost died,
never anticipating such a wry.
The girl you loved and dreamed about, day and night
never shared the same love for you,
what a surprise.

Tears filled up my eyes, my heart was broken,
every expectation turned out to be
a hallucination.
I was madly, insanely, deeply in love
and I linger…
But it will never be.

Knowing it will never be, I wait for the night,
hoping to see her in my dreams,
hoping it will turn into reality.
The night is a long way away,
and day dreams are stale, obsolete.
I dream…
But I knew it will never be.

Jasmine, I know you’ll be happy someday.
You’ll shine in the sky for your lover one day…
But why not shine for me, Jasmine?

Oh yeah I forgot.

It will never be.



Skulls and Bones.

Poor children.

Children laying down,
broken, exposed and frail beyond comprehension.

Shadows strike within the glass,
reflecting the reflections of the tiny,
fragile souls,
up towards the sky.

They lay,
defeated, consumed
lost in the mystery of deception,
haunted beings,
screaming with no perception
of what happens next.

Locked and bound
to their everlasting demise.
The only memory left of them,
the one reflected towards the heavens,
where heaven is nowhere to be reached.

Their hands tangled into one another,
with the footsteps getting closer,
they pray to the heavens.

They pray to the only thing that can save them,
yet the prey,
the prey devours them inside the house of heaven.
The Children shrieking their confessions,
shouting at the haunted curse,
that took their childhood away.

The curse approaches them,
noises made like the sound of skulls
rattling and signaling,
the voices of a null, beast-like,
and unforgiving savage.

The clock is ticking
and the Children pray,
as the prey gets closer.


Skulls and bones.


Perfect Mornings

Everyone loves them, no?

She sits in the same seat, every morning I start my day with looking at her. Her bag goes either on the floor, or the chair next to her. She positions herself, always glancing at the teacher, eyes screwed still onto him, taking everything in, deep into the lecture.

Me? I’m trying to sneak a glance at her every now and then. Blonde curly hair, with pink ends, luscious lips like I’ve never seen before, and a smile that never seems to fade away. I’m not sure why she’s always smiling, but I sure do like it. What I like most about her though is her eyes. They remind me of something I’ve never seen before, yet they still remind me of that thing I speak of, strange indeed.

I don’t know what sparked my interest. I’ve known her, for a while actually, but I never realized her childlike personality, and how in the same time, you can feel a sense of grit and toughness. To me, a woman with that particular combination is one ought to be fought for, like Hemingway on a hunting trip, killing every danger on his way.

It always amazes me, that sudden surge of thoughts and feelings towards someone you are familiar with, but never really appreciated their beauty and mind. She seems to be lost, not always sure, and very careful, which is all more attractive. Insecurities make a person, not perfections. I don’t care for one’s perfections, those are easy to tell and handle, but imperfections are what constitute a person, and what really makes them who they are.

She’s distant. I don’t think anything will happen, and I don’t think I will pursue anything with her. You know, don’t you think that sometimes it’s better that things be left the way they are? I’m scared I won’t have the same appreciation I have for her. A glimmer of hope and sparkle to my mornings, let’s leave it that way, shall we?

The Curse

It never lets you be.

Razors scratching my face, whips lashing on my skin, freezing under the icy blanket and drowning on my snowy mattress. I felt like the homeless person lying on the edge of the street, covered with his precious newspapers, trying to forget the grim surroundings that possess him; maybe, just maybe he feels home again, safe under a roof away from the horridness he has to go through.

I slept feeling there was a gun aimed at my head, with God placing one bullet in the barrel and spinning it, holy Russian roulette executed to my advantage, or is it really to my advantage? I hold my legs with both my hands, and images of me being chased by a pack of frenzied wolves’ runs wild, with the sweat trickling down my forehead, and my body shaking with despair. That’s how it feels after the euphoric heroin Mecca journey. After the withdrawal ended, my corpse felt as light as a feather, with every bone in my body as fragile as a toothpick, with my body in its usual fetus position.

I think it has to do with my unconsciousness. I want to be reborn again, rid of this disease. I want to be reborn again, as a normal person, being held by my mother all over again, and embracing the beauty of life, because there’s no beautiful sight like seeing a mother holding her newborn child.

A nightmare worse than any nightmare. This is what I see almost every night in my dreams. You know, there’s nothing worse than quitting something, than the actuality of it remaining to exist in your head. You feel clean, but you don’t. You feel fine, but you don’t. It’s a never ending equation of misery and suffering, even after the merely pathetic, rugged life I was living. I thought change was certain…

I was wrong.

You never escape, and you never quit. You will always feel the poison, seeping and leaking through your veins and through your pores. It is truly a curse.