Death of Satisfaction

I don’t know what or how to feel anymore.

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Don’t you hate it sometimes when things are going just spectacularly shitty? Well that’s what I’m going through right now I suppose.

I hate this stupid fucking feeling man. This eeriness that surrounds everything around me is just haunting, and not in the cheap horror movie sense, but in the literal sense.

I’m trying to be positive, but I’m barely satisfied, and I don’t feel sure of how everything is building up. I have a plan, sure. There are things in motion, however it’s not jolting for me.

It’s the little things. It’s the tiniest of little things that just manage to thwart any shred of satisfaction or comfort I might have.

From the inability to manage a date with anyone recently, to not being able to eat the food that I like… The list goes on and on. The worst of the whole lot is feeling that I’m not on the right path in terms of a lifetime of employment. This one is really scaring me. Do I want to be a teacher for the rest of my working life? I’m not so sure, and this is no walk in the park decision. Growing up is scary, and I hope I’m up to the challenge, but right now, it doesn’t feel this way.

Everything and everyone around me makes me feel lonely that it’s not even funny anymore. I keep wishing I could see my friends more, but I don’t make enough effort to do that, and at the same time they don’t as well. I feel like I’m losing everyone that is around me, and the thought of that is frightening.

Maybe I’m not looking at the brighter side, or perhaps I’m not putting enough effort; well that might be the case to be honest.

It just might be the case.

I don’t know what to feel or how I’m feeling.

This sucks man.

Spring

I hate this time of year.

The spring is ending,
bending all in it’s way.
Summer on the horizon
with disappointment and regret,
with failure stacked up,
like an organized stack of hay
embedded within my being.

The sorrow, the sorrow,
nothing can be said about it.
It hits while you’re on your way,
towards nothing.

That’s the effect of springtime on me.
I’m going towards the unknown,
or better yet,
the unknown is chasing me.

Fuck you spring,
I sincerely mean that.