Fool

Some things will never change.

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The dripping stains I see them clear,
with every passing wave,
I stay still and feel,
the tears falling onto my shirt.
They plummet with a heaviness unseen,
unwitnessed and unfelt before.
Like the rain in October,
slightly felt and clearly seen.

With the foolishness of a fool
I tread heavily into maze,
full of despair and agony,
burning like indistinguishable fuel.
My heart clasped with a cumbersome
ashamed feeling of a daze.
I feel sick in my stomach
as I never fail to amaze,
the belligerent fool in me.

The same mistakes over and over again.
I get disgusted with myself sometimes,
from the pathetic, finicky heart of mine,
that never seems to give me any time,
to process things,
and tread with refrain.

I fall in love too easily,
and I will always remain a fool.
Someone please help me,
to find the fucking cure.

Loneliness

Loneliness is bliss, sometimes. Not really.

Dealing with loneliness is tough. It creeps on your back, and feels like whips lashing on your fragile skin. It can be a slow and painful death, that makes you fade away, little by little. The story of my loneliness is unmatched, and unimaginable.

Spending your days, with patience and hopefulness is a tiresome lifestyle. The patience, of finally being relieved and uplifted from this ghastly burden laying on your soul is fucking miserable. A truly bittersweet feeling. It’s often said that patience is key, well fuck that. I don’t know how long one can last in this drivel. As for hopefulness, it only makes you hopeless. The fact that you know yourself, and the fact that everything you long for, comes back to bite you in the ass, is dreadful. I’ve been hopeful for so long that I lost track now.

Loneliness is something I don’t even wish upon my worst enemies. You know man, I keep trying. That’s the thing, I guess. I should just stop at this point. I suppose some people were bound to stay alone forever. I am sick and tired of cliche and trite relationships or hook ups. It’s unnatural to lead such a life. I truly feel like I’m missing the sincere part of feeling wanted, and this is a fundamental human feeling. It is one of the few things missing from my life, but it affects more than it should I suppose.

We live in such a weird time, and place right now. We’ve reached the point, where the mutual feeling of love and affection, is hard to achieve. This is what I’m witnessing every single day. People just keep drifting away from each other, in every single way possible. Be it love, family, or friends man. It’s just a vicious cycle of people dismantling the natural aspect of oneness and the desire to be what we have to be. Everyone is so fucking nihilistic, sarcastic, and intent on being the worst possible version of themselves. I don’t know what is sparking all this damn mania in everyone. I don’t know… Is everyone lonely as well? At this point, It might be the case.

All I know is that, one day, I want to fill in this tiny but huge gap right in the center of my soul. I truly hope this day can come quickly. I want my loneliness to go away. Or maybe I don’t. It’s said that satisfaction is the death of desire. Maybe my loneliness is what keeps me going. The thing that kills me the most, is what’s keeping me alive. That’s a pretty fucking wonderful life if you ask me.

The Day I Knew It Will Never Be (First Poem I Wrote).

Memories.

WHOA what a throwback. I was digging around through the books I own, and out fell a piece of paper written on it the first poem I ever wrote. I remember I was maybe in the tenth grade, and it was about a girl, and let’s just say, things were quite messy. This poem made me realize that writing and expressing yourself, no matter the outcome, can be truly therapeutic. 

 

The day I knew it will never be,
Jasmine, I thought she would set me free.
My heart beating faster, waiting for a reply…
It was devastating, I vowed never again to try.

Overwhelmed with emotions I almost died,
never anticipating such a wry.
The girl you loved and dreamed about, day and night
never shared the same love for you,
what a surprise.

Tears filled up my eyes, my heart was broken,
every expectation turned out to be
a hallucination.
I was madly, insanely, deeply in love
and I linger…
But it will never be.

Knowing it will never be, I wait for the night,
hoping to see her in my dreams,
hoping it will turn into reality.
The night is a long way away,
and day dreams are stale, obsolete.
I dream…
But I knew it will never be.

Jasmine, I know you’ll be happy someday.
You’ll shine in the sky for your lover one day…
But why not shine for me, Jasmine?

Oh yeah I forgot.

It will never be.

 

 

Sadness, #5

Isn’t sadness wonderful?

There’s a heavy burden laying on my chest, and I need to get it out of my system.

You know what is unfathomably stupid? Playing the waiting game. Your mind starts playing tricks on you. Nothing is going to happen, nothing will ever happen, and you need to move on.

I wish sometimes it was that easy. It never is that easy.

It’s been almost three years now, and yet, I can’t seem to forget, I can’t seem to forget her.

This is, at least now, I’m realizing that it was never meant to be, and nothing will ever mean to be. All these years, and all the time, spent waiting and hoping, gone to waste. Maybe it was, and maybe it wasn’t. I am yet to know.

It is a great sadness, when you love so hard and vigorously, KNOWING and willingly indulging into dead emotions. This was not a ‘cliche’ form of unrequited love/crush. I wish it was, because if that was the case, I’d move on in a heartbeat.

It stings you greatest, when you know you found what you consider perfection, but that perfection and all what you hoped for was eventually falseness, and a compilation of crumbling hopes and desires.

She’s gone now, I guess, forever.

I’m not sad about all the time wasted, I’m crestfallen and full of sorrow because I know it could’ve been something magical, out of this world…

Or was that just in my mind?

It’s always just in my mind.

John Zorn, Filmworks XV ‘Protocols of Zion’

Blissful and relaxing, a masterpiece.

 

This is personally one of my favorite movie scores to ever exist. Without forgetting to mention the genius that is John Zorn of course, but this specific Filmwork of his truly left an impact on me.

Whenever I listen to this masterpiece, I feel a deep sense of emotions and a state of thumping existence. It’s magic to my ears, and brings me down to a sense of warmth that I rarely can feel.

Unrequited Love

It can be hard for some, but not for me!

Unrequited love is the best kind of love.

I know that it might be an oxymoronic thing to say, but everytime I find myself stuck in this vicious cycle of emotions and feelings, I feel great. It is truly a wonderful feeling, when you know you love someone, and you know they don’t love you back.

I feed from that, I take everything I can from it, and sometimes I even crave it. It’s a very mysterious trait that I have, and it puzzles me to the core. Whenever I happen to fall into this, I am a different and better person. My energy boosts up to unimaginable levels, I feel like I have nothing to lose, it gives me an unspoken kind of confidence that manages to take me into personal heights I never knew I had.

The only let down is, that all these feelings are short lived. I move on too quickly, rather too fast, but in that short period of time, like I said, I take everything, and I don’t have to give back anything. All the creativity from the feelings attained, all the courage, all the reckless regretting behavior that transcends me to newer states of being, it is all worth it.

Heartbreak doesn’t scare me, not at all. I loathe and disdain myself sometimes for wanting it. That’s why to me, Unrequited love is the best kind of love. It is the love that you know you have, and that you know you can give. However, you don’t end up sharing that love with the other, but with yourself.

Don’t be afraid of heartbreak, and don’t be afraid of love. These feelings are rare, so take advantage of them, use them selfishly if all fails and things don’t go your way. After all, you never know what life has in line for you.

In the words of Sir James Matthew Barrie,

Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow”.

Radiance Over the Dying Sun

I see her, but can she see me?

The mist unfolds

As the darkness grows.

I long for the warmth

But all what’s left is the cold.

The rain pours hard on the ground

Curving out the element of life,

It’s bound to trickle and quench all thirst,

But pierces my heart without a sound.

I look beyond what’s in my sight

And I wonder to find what’s right.

Over the sleeping horizon I see a radiant being,

From behind the folding darkness shedding light.

After seeing this radiant beam,

I ventured off to seek what might seem,

My longing on the eve of that night,

The beauty,

A true eve to my dreams…