The Day I Knew It Will Never Be (First Poem I Wrote).

Memories.

WHOA what a throwback. I was digging around through the books I own, and out fell a piece of paper written on it the first poem I ever wrote. I remember I was maybe in the tenth grade, and it was about a girl, and let’s just say, things were quite messy. This poem made me realize that writing and expressing yourself, no matter the outcome, can be truly therapeutic. 

 

The day I knew it will never be,
Jasmine, I thought she would set me free.
My heart beating faster, waiting for a reply…
It was devastating, I vowed never again to try.

Overwhelmed with emotions I almost died,
never anticipating such a wry.
The girl you loved and dreamed about, day and night
never shared the same love for you,
what a surprise.

Tears filled up my eyes, my heart was broken,
every expectation turned out to be
a hallucination.
I was madly, insanely, deeply in love
and I linger…
But it will never be.

Knowing it will never be, I wait for the night,
hoping to see her in my dreams,
hoping it will turn into reality.
The night is a long way away,
and day dreams are stale, obsolete.
I dream…
But I knew it will never be.

Jasmine, I know you’ll be happy someday.
You’ll shine in the sky for your lover one day…
But why not shine for me, Jasmine?

Oh yeah I forgot.

It will never be.

 

 

Sadness, #5

Isn’t sadness wonderful?

There’s a heavy burden laying on my chest, and I need to get it out of my system.

You know what is unfathomably stupid? Playing the waiting game. Your mind starts playing tricks on you. Nothing is going to happen, nothing will ever happen, and you need to move on.

I wish sometimes it was that easy. It never is that easy.

It’s been almost three years now, and yet, I can’t seem to forget, I can’t seem to forget her.

This is, at least now, I’m realizing that it was never meant to be, and nothing will ever mean to be. All these years, and all the time, spent waiting and hoping, gone to waste. Maybe it was, and maybe it wasn’t. I am yet to know.

It is a great sadness, when you love so hard and vigorously, KNOWING and willingly indulging into dead emotions. This was not a ‘cliche’ form of unrequited love/crush. I wish it was, because if that was the case, I’d move on in a heartbeat.

It stings you greatest, when you know you found what you consider perfection, but that perfection and all what you hoped for was eventually falseness, and a compilation of crumbling hopes and desires.

She’s gone now, I guess, forever.

I’m not sad about all the time wasted, I’m crestfallen and full of sorrow because I know it could’ve been something magical, out of this world…

Or was that just in my mind?

It’s always just in my mind.

John Zorn, Filmworks XV ‘Protocols of Zion’

Blissful and relaxing, a masterpiece.

 

This is personally one of my favorite movie scores to ever exist. Without forgetting to mention the genius that is John Zorn of course, but this specific Filmwork of his truly left an impact on me.

Whenever I listen to this masterpiece, I feel a deep sense of emotions and a state of thumping existence. It’s magic to my ears, and brings me down to a sense of warmth that I rarely can feel.

Unrequited Love

It can be hard for some, but not for me!

Unrequited love is the best kind of love.

I know that it might be an oxymoronic thing to say, but everytime I find myself stuck in this vicious cycle of emotions and feelings, I feel great. It is truly a wonderful feeling, when you know you love someone, and you know they don’t love you back.

I feed from that, I take everything I can from it, and sometimes I even crave it. It’s a very mysterious trait that I have, and it puzzles me to the core. Whenever I happen to fall into this, I am a different and better person. My energy boosts up to unimaginable levels, I feel like I have nothing to lose, it gives me an unspoken kind of confidence that manages to take me into personal heights I never knew I had.

The only let down is, that all these feelings are short lived. I move on too quickly, rather too fast, but in that short period of time, like I said, I take everything, and I don’t have to give back anything. All the creativity from the feelings attained, all the courage, all the reckless regretting behavior that transcends me to newer states of being, it is all worth it.

Heartbreak doesn’t scare me, not at all. I loathe and disdain myself sometimes for wanting it. That’s why to me, Unrequited love is the best kind of love. It is the love that you know you have, and that you know you can give. However, you don’t end up sharing that love with the other, but with yourself.

Don’t be afraid of heartbreak, and don’t be afraid of love. These feelings are rare, so take advantage of them, use them selfishly if all fails and things don’t go your way. After all, you never know what life has in line for you.

In the words of Sir James Matthew Barrie,

Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow”.

Radiance Over the Dying Sun

I see her, but can she see me?

The mist unfolds

As the darkness grows.

I long for the warmth

But all what’s left is the cold.

The rain pours hard on the ground

Curving out the element of life,

It’s bound to trickle and quench all thirst,

But pierces my heart without a sound.

I look beyond what’s in my sight

And I wonder to find what’s right.

Over the sleeping horizon I see a radiant being,

From behind the folding darkness shedding light.

After seeing this radiant beam,

I ventured off to seek what might seem,

My longing on the eve of that night,

The beauty,

A true eve to my dreams…

Thin Line

Never lose hope, even if you’ll fail.

I told you how I felt,
And you just froze,
Like a snowman in a storm
Calm and existing with the weather
Before the sun rose back again and melted him down.

I’m sure about my feelings to you,
Like a drunken sailor loves his rum
Drinking it down like there’s no tomorrow,
But there is a tomorrow…

I’m hanging on a thread here,
With both ends cut off,
Caught mid-air,
Screaming with my hands orbiting the atmosphere,
I’m about to fall.

The human brain,
A mean machine, of constant thought,
Driving a person towards eternal insanity,
Feelings too intense to consume.

I drink to your love every night,
Hoping, just hoping it’ll come,
Banging on my door, 4,5,6 A.M
I’ll be awake by then,
Staring at the entrance
Like a soldier on duty
Waiting not the enemy,
But the ally, that will end my agony.

Descent

The descent was too hard for me to handle.

I remember
I remember seeing the towers crumbling
descending into the abyss.

I remember her gaze, the way she stared at me
It haunted every ounce of my body
It rattled my bones,
It shook my core,
It changed me.

I remember her raspy soft voice,
smooth and slithery,
with every word spoken,
sliding deep down into your soul.

I remember the innocence in her eyes
an innocence so sincere and profound
an innocence of the lost and suffering,
searching miserably for a chance of life,
her eyes, they spoke to me.

The descent I witnessed,
a shameful loss of existence,
a loss of something that could’ve been
a loss greater than anything.

I lost the love,
I lost the love that I never had,
I lost the love that never loved me,
I lost nothing,
yet I lost everything.