Death of Satisfaction

I don’t know what or how to feel anymore.


Don’t you hate it sometimes when things are going just spectacularly shitty? Well that’s what I’m going through right now I suppose.

I hate this stupid fucking feeling man. This eeriness that surrounds everything around me is just haunting, and not in the cheap horror movie sense, but in the literal sense.

I’m trying to be positive, but I’m barely satisfied, and I don’t feel sure of how everything is building up. I have a plan, sure. There are things in motion, however it’s not jolting for me.

It’s the little things. It’s the tiniest of little things that just manage to thwart any shred of satisfaction or comfort I might have.

From the inability to manage a date with anyone recently, to not being able to eat the food that I like… The list goes on and on. The worst of the whole lot is feeling that I’m not on the right path in terms of a lifetime of employment. This one is really scaring me. Do I want to be a teacher for the rest of my working life? I’m not so sure, and this is no walk in the park decision. Growing up is scary, and I hope I’m up to the challenge, but right now, it doesn’t feel this way.

Everything and everyone around me makes me feel lonely that it’s not even funny anymore. I keep wishing I could see my friends more, but I don’t make enough effort to do that, and at the same time they don’t as well. I feel like I’m losing everyone that is around me, and the thought of that is frightening.

Maybe I’m not looking at the brighter side, or perhaps I’m not putting enough effort; well that might be the case to be honest.

It just might be the case.

I don’t know what to feel or how I’m feeling.

This sucks man.

The Cultural Shift after Trump

We live in interesting times.

Now that Trump is at the helm of power in the United States, a crucial and critical cultural shift is bound to happen. Through the power of the internet and social media, prior to the entire Trump frenzy, an amazing movement was happening, and it was quite simply the meme culture.

Trump knew how to play his cards strategically, and appealed to those who are easier to reach, and to those who are willing to realize political rhetoric. This is where Hillary Clinton, in my opinion of course, failed.

Donald Trump utilized and used the vast influence he had, through social media, and the massive reach he had to the masses, even though Hillary won the popular vote. This is key here, when looking at the type of audience both managed to attribute towards their respective sides.

Hillary failed with the over-glorification of herself, and huddling towards the votes of millennials and social justice warriors, add to that a spray of Hollywood influence, which any ‘reasonable’ voter knew would have zero influence on them.

Trump grasped a smarter approach, and that was evident throughout the entire process, and all the way up to the speech that Trump did today in his Inauguration. He reached the common people, and not just that, but spoke with a rhetoric that was a lot more convincing and compelling than that of Hillary Clinton. The grandiose influence of his supporters over the world wide web was also key. Having political support from people with great social media influence in terms of politics of course, is arguably a lot more efficient than quite literally appealing to Hollywood liberals, and those with only a limited view of the picture perfect progressive world.

This all relates to the cultural shift that awaits. We’re looking at something more direct, something that Americans, and people around the world haven’t been used to for a while. The more traditional and ‘old’ America if one might say, awaits us. That can be both a good thing and a bad thing. Everything is still vague and general, and that is to be expected. It’s hard for a newly appointed president to tell his entire plans, except for a few endpoints that are repeated throughout the campaign process. Now is the real moment who all realize and live what is actually going to happen.

During the lifespan of this fierce battle of presidency, a new ‘era’ spawned and spiraled out from the internet war that was going on. I can easily say that 2016 was the year where people started realizing and opened their eyes to the cognitive dissonance and abnormalities in the logic spewed. People became a lot more aware to the implications of a certain ideology, and by this I definitely mean the Cultural Marxism that was tapping towards insanity. This was one of the main ‘backers’ to put it simply of Trump. Everyone was tired and started realizing the flaws in a collective thought spectrum, that didn’t make any sense.

The ‘meme’ culture I mentioned above, is also a shift that wasn’t expected. Even Hillary Clinton herself and those who campaigned for her, marked a ‘meme frog’, Pepe, as racist and sexist. Yes, this is how far memes had an impact on the entire process. You could find hundreds even thousands of Facebook pages, twitter pages, blogs, etc. all over the internet that supported either side, or those who were indifferent, and that played a vital role on the outcome, and shaped people’s perceptions and realizations on what to decide as for votes. The power of a simple picture on the internet, shouldn’t be held of it’s importance.

Personally, I have mixed feelings on this. I was excited about this particular election war, and I knew that Trump would come out the victor. I didn’t support any of the candidates, but I’m sure glad that Hillary Clinton wasn’t the one to clinch the electoral college, as it would be far more interesting to see what someone outside the modern American establishment would do, or what actions he would take when appointed as President of the United States, which as of today, Donald Trump is.

We live in an interesting time, and I’m glad to be alive to witness how the world around us is changing.


We live in a paradigm world.

X marks the spot
And love conquers all.
X marks the spot,
Face first through the wall.

Running wild and free from care,
Broken down and bruised,
The world to it’s knees,
Full of despair.

Sunshine and rainbows,
Beauty and wonder,
Death and destruction,
Disruption and corruption,
Blazing flames
And plunder.

A world full of mystery,
Sorrows and woes.
Friends and family,
Enemies and foes.

I marvel at this existence
As strange as it might be,
Longing to belong,
To a world of life and death,
To a world of fact and fiction.

Paradigms and strangeness
And changes.
A part of who we are.
It’s all alright,
We’ll either rise or fall.

Sweet Stuff

Time to lose that weight.


Food has been one of the major mishaps of my life, yes I mean that quite literally. I eat way too much than my body needs, and this has been keeping me down for quite a long time.

I’m not excruciatingly obese to the point where I can’t get out of bed, but for sure I could lose a lot of weight, no doubt whatsoever.

Personally, I’ve thought this through and through, and I always come up with the same interpretation as to how much I eat of course, and it isn’t something mind blowing or spectacularly psychological, but the reason for my over-eating is the simplicity of the fact that I love the taste of food, way more than the regular person. Just the sensation of good (junk) food breaking down in my mouth, gives my euphoric sensations (which is a bad thing thinking about it now).

I wouldn’t classify myself with those who would say that the reason they overindulge in food or ‘binge-eating’ is due to some personal dysfunction or as a coping mechanism to fight something off, a way to forget some things that an individual might be going through. Don’t get me wrong, that’s quite harsh when a person truly suffers from this, and it can be a huge pain to overcome this on a psychological level. Many obese people fall for this due to many complications, and this is an actual disease, which can be very hard to overcome.

Whenever I’d have an overwhelmingly delicious meal, or any kind of sweet savoury mouth watering type of food, I feel bad. I don’t feel bad for eating, but I feel bad because I can do better. I’m not one of those who thinks that being ‘fat’ or ‘overweight’ is okay, no, I think it’s something that anyone can get out of with the right amount of work and the perfect suitable diet for his/her needs.

Often times I think I give this ‘excuse’ of simply loving how food taste as a shield to fend myself off the reality that I need to exercise more, I need to eat healthier, I need to eat cleaner, etc.

This notion of being fat by choice has only kept me down for a long time. I have to change, I mean, I always find myself thinking, ‘is it really THAT hard to get my ass off the couch and go for a run, or to join a gym?’. The answer is simple, no it’s not that hard.

I’ve delt and been through alot in my short existence of twenty-one. By hell, I won’t let the excess fat on my body, that was my own doing, to keep my down anymore.

I’ll go as far as saying that this is not okay. I don’t want to be accepted in a society in the way that I am now. This is one of the harshest mistakes and wrongdoings caused by political correctness. Being fat and obese shouldn’t be celebrated. Being lazy shouldn’t be celebrated, and yes, I’m applying this to my own self. I won’t find any excuses anymore for being a lazy, food junkie that doesn’t want to better himself. I’m better than this, I’m better than all this crap I keep shoving down my throat. I’m not falling for the oh so standards of society in terms of fitness. I’m not one of those who shout ‘yeah! It’s okay to be fat! Rock that body you go, random fat person!’. That’s wrong and on so many levels I’ve come to realize. Being fit and healthy isn’t a ‘social construct’, it’s the only sane choice a human being can make in order to have a healthy and lasting existence.

No more excuses. I will become a better person, not for society, not for anyone else, but for myself.

I’ll try my best, and I will fight as hard as it takes, to achieve my goals, and to lose all this heaviness that I inflicted upon myself.

All that sweet stuff, I’ll have to put on hold. Time for change.


The descent was too hard for me to handle.

I remember
I remember seeing the towers crumbling
descending into the abyss.

I remember her gaze, the way she stared at me
It haunted every ounce of my body
It rattled my bones,
It shook my core,
It changed me.

I remember her raspy soft voice,
smooth and slithery,
with every word spoken,
sliding deep down into your soul.

I remember the innocence in her eyes
an innocence so sincere and profound
an innocence of the lost and suffering,
searching miserably for a chance of life,
her eyes, they spoke to me.

The descent I witnessed,
a shameful loss of existence,
a loss of something that could’ve been
a loss greater than anything.

I lost the love,
I lost the love that I never had,
I lost the love that never loved me,
I lost nothing,
yet I lost everything.


Time is the answer.

It’s a long way to fall,
Pushing and struggling
Trying to get out
Time to a screeching halt

Time plays tricks on my mind
Acts like it’s on my side
Stirring my entire being
Shivering by the depth
Of the inevitable fall

Time is a game for me
Fall, or fall
It won’t let me down easily
We all eventually descend

Time again, our savior
Our healer, the grand tinkerer
All shall be fine
When the time
Is right.


Change is inevitable. Life won’t wait.

A high pitched shriek
Louder than the strike of thunder
Descending upon me
Mountains tumbling
And collapsing to the sight
Of the internal cluster
My insides turning against each other

Revolted by myself
And for myself
A swift change of winds
A zeal of attitude
And of life

Succumbing to the zest of being
Devastated for not seeing
What existing is all about so early
But it’s never too late
For life never waits for anyone
And I won’t wait for it anymore.