Nostalgia Spree, #3

The power of nostalgia.

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For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling nostalgic about many things. I know it sounds something common, and it is true, that everyone gets nostalgic every now and then. However I’ve reached the point where the past is mostly everything I think about, and I honestly find this quite dangerous.

I’m still twenty years old (almost twenty-one in a couple of days), and I know individuals who are much older, yet they’re much more excited for what the future has to hold, and this is problematic. Everything is going great in my life, I don’t have anything to complain about, but I have this itchy yearning for what has already happened and to what I’ve already lived through, and experiences I’ve already had.

Perhaps this is all normal, and it’s a phase of some sorts, because I’m in a transitioning phase right now, and I’m about to embark in the newest chapter of my life. Maybe I’m dwelling on what could’ve been, and the life I had as a child? Who knows, knows.

I’ve been playing older video games I used to play as a child. Games like Runescape. I used to put an alarm on my old watch on every weekend at 6 A.M, to wake up and have an insanely long session that consisted of mostly cutting trees, and trying to get a Runescape girlfriend (usually bought for 10k gold or a few expensive items. I have to say though, my Runescape girlfriends were all better than the one’s I had in real life, oh the irony). I also remembered all the books I used to read. I used to be crazy about R.L Stine, which was quite normal considering what I was into. I used to read those horror stories with every shred of excitement a small human can garner and manage to summon. I miss going to our countryside house, playing on the swings and outside the house, getting myself dirty and dragged down, having those long sunset walks with my child-self, and thinking how the hell was I that deep of a person when I wasn’t really as aware back then. I’d kill for one of those 2-3 hour bike rides just about right now. It’s the small trivial things that I miss mostly. I miss having all the free time in the world, to indulge in what I truly loved doing and all the works that go along with it.

I keep reminiscing on the time where things were just so very damn simple. Maybe it’s the lifestyle that I’m leading that is keeping everything off-balance? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that I want ease of mind, and I want that real soon.

I have to be honest now, this spree of nostalgia is great. I never realized I could remember that many events and things I used to do as a kid. I never thought I’d have the capacity to keep hold of all these memories, or I never thought the human brain was truly this powerful. I was shuffling through past events like I shuffle through recent pictures on my phone.

Nostalgia is great folks, it truly is. Be sure though to always look to what’s forward, or to what’s coming ahead in your horizon.

Lost

Being lost and hopeless sucks, doesn’t it?

Losing sense as I clasp to my sanity.

Tumbling along the rocky mountain,

There I seek solitude along the heights.

A string of air upon my face,

Memories shine down like footprints,

Long walks on the beach with myself,

Your face an instant memory.

My mind lost within itself,

Hopes and dreams unseen, unfulfilled,

Forgotten and wasted;

Forever remorseful.

I remember you as you were,

Distant and never near,

A stranger walking by me, right be me,

I take a glance.

Your eyes, a glaze special and distinct,

Blinds me every time I recall the perfection.

Lost but never lost,

The paradox that forever twirls around,

Like a noose hanging around my neck.

I look at the ground, and remember the heavy cost,

A price so big I never dared to pay.

Fear and hopelessness in check,

I paid eventually.

I lost what I never had.

Now,

I’m going slightly mad.